It was as if I willingly decided to jump into a beautiful and disorderly oblivion when the day came to actually leave for my travels. My family, my friends, and a small part of myself said “what the hell are you doin mate?.” I had a partial answer now that I think about it. “I need to go, this is something I know I have wanted to do for so long, it’s now or never, I am gonna grow as a person.” Hmmm yes and no. It was selfish and rightful at the same time. I didn’t want to stand another day of falsehood and insincerity in my current reality, where I choose to be aloof and standoffish, totally avoidant of how I was actually feeling. I was full of resentment, wanting to prove, sadness, dismay, and swimming within the perpetual thoughts of how do I change this? It sounds depressing and it kind of was. I never allowed myself to sit in and experience the full spectrum of what I was going through, mostly because I had carried with me this persona of full composure for so long. What really was at play was a projection upon the external world reflective of inner direst and pent up burden.
Nobody in my family took me serious when I spoke about traveling long term. This was in part due to the fact that I booked my ticked to Sweden ten days before my departure date, and the other part due to the fact my rents couldn’t comprehend the notion of me traveling for as long as I set out to do. “But where will you stay, who do you know, what will you do for that long, how do you think you have enough money to sustain you for that long?”
Naturally this only fueled me more. I was beginning to understand and come face to face with this internal beautiful beast I had harbored for so long. The one that needed to prove myself in every alternative way to the “norm.” (I still am this way but have harnessed and redirected it in many ways.) With this belief still in mind for my parents and my intangible mysteriousness in play, when I broke the news that I would be leaving for Sweden in a week, my mom got real serious and motherly. She’s always been incredible that way. Within the week I had everything sorted out and I was ready, that good nervous kind of excitement settling in.
I daydreamed for some time before my first flight. I was quite ready to become apart of the spontaneous and quick-witted flow that comes with traveling, having to figuring things out as you go along.
I was set to be in my friend’s small town in the north of Sweden, Luleå, for just over three weeks. Upon arriving I was met with the same feelings I had the last two times I had visited, relief, peace, and warmth. I knew the next few weeks would be filled sharing moments with Linn’s family. Her two younger brothers that truly felt like my own and I believe for them as well. The loving pounces and beaming smiles I received a little more than telling. Her mother with one of the best senses of humor I’ve ever known and her dad I couldn’t help but want to be near and hear of his stories. Old friends and new friends. Barbecue gatherings with weird Swedish drinks and hours of volleyball games that ended only when the sun went down. The land is very simple and beautiful there. A dense forest populated with small lakes around every turn and when the forest did break, it opened up into rolling bright green pastures. The houses took barn-style shapes and were painted the like as well; the interior of most homes nearly all white with dark accents. I really did fancy the styles there and I caught myself making mental notes about elements I’d like my future home to resemble.
Lovely little sun house beside my friend’s dad’s home.
I was content going anywhere, doing anything. My friend and I have a bond that feels like a rarity in today’s world.Years will have gone by, four to be exact, without having seen one another and we immediately fall into rhythm. Open and vulnerable conversation, stupid jokes we’ve been hung up on since we were 13, and being the grossest and least kept-together versions of ourselves. Somebody I undoubtedly have until the end of time.
My time there was fluid and quick. Just before I left we made it out to Storforsen, one of the largest rapids in Europe situated along the Pite River. This place has the capacity to hush all your nonsensical worries and submit you to wonder. I remembered that when we visited last, four years ago, I had looked onto the portions of cliffs you could safely jump off into the watering pools below. I knew that next time I came I would make my ass jump. And so I did but not without twenty long minutes of deliberate oscillation. These shorter cliffs were still tall but if I was going to jump, I was going all in. I leapt off the slippery edge, needing to jump far enough to clear a part of the rock face that jutted out on the way down. Free falling for 15 meters, I hit the water and nearly passed out it was so damn cold. My ears rang and ached for the next three days ( not so fun for my flight from Stockholm to Bangkok) but I concluded that it was indeed worth it.
I know I will find myself returning to the north of Sweden many more times in my life. To live there is to live within some of the most wild extremes. Summers are short and cool and the sun never fully sets; winters are long, dark, and cold, like a -30 Celsius cold. Yet the people that choose to stay have taken to finding comfort in the little yet irreplaceable things that constitute a day. Family and friends. I feel eternally blessed to know a home here.
Trine Evolve 